untitled diddy #1

She shut her eyelids tight with the
intent to feel the oncoming pleasure that should've
been granted to her instinctively-
or so she thought.
She felt absolutely nothing. Though she thought she should've felt at least
some tingling, she felt nothing. she convinced herself that if she could only shut her eyelids tighter
she might actually feel something
"This feels good"
"This feel pleasurable"
were the mantras she would repeat to herself throughout
Eyelids tightly twitching, fingers clinched, she forced a:
Yes. Right There. Oh Yeah. Uh Huh. Mmmmmmm...
over and over and over again
all to no avail, she still felt absolutely nothing.
She kept pretending to feel something pleasurable she didn't wanna believe that
there was anything inherently wrong with the picture, so
she would only pretend to feel passionately towards him
almost as passionately as he felt towards his self and his own pleasure
his hedonistic desires were his own for the taking of the innocence and the passivity
of inner turmoil guarded furiously by careful, coy smiles, and kindly gestures
She was the perfect match for him, so he thought
for a boy who undeniably thought of her as a mere commodity in the world's marketplace
his carnal cravings aggressively sank into her core
she mistook his aggression for passion, and rightfully so
but he was only passionate about the stroking of his own ego but
she didn't know, so she gave him a go denying the greater half of her-
the powerfully insightful, intuitive voice was screaming no , and her body
her body wasn't even screaming yes
but she still undressed-for the sake of curiosity she undressed only to meet the bar
that he had raised. she dared not admit that she was afraid
and GODDAMN! was she good at pretending
it's all she was ever taught to do by society
in order to accommodate set standards in the world's market place
standards that,
when met,
amount to nothing more than the degree of our own objectivity
so naturally vanity, passivity, and a lack of intellect are
among the top 3 standards we learn to integrate into our personalities in order to feel
complete in our own femininity.
SHE was neither vain, passive, or plain-
she only pretended to be cause all along that's what she was supposed to be
and she couldn't stand to bare witness to the stabbing of her dignity,
so she shut her eyelids tightly, clinching her fingers denying her assertiveness
in the backseat, she couldn't feel a thing
& she woke the next morning, grieving for the little girl she used to be
and decided from that day on she would never live another lie